Newlyweds?

If these crazy kids can't make it, who can? I don't think I have been this sad since my own parents told me they were getting a divorce. Next you are going to tell me that Brad and Jen broke up...

Jessica 'Doing Great,' Says Ashlee
http://entertainment.msn.com/music/hotgossip

Nov. 28, 2005

Now that our trytophan-induced stupor is wearing off and the cold, harsh glare of reality is setting in, it's time to deal with the intense feelings of grief brought on by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey finally, inevitably putting a fork in their problem-plagued union. And what better way to work through our sorrow than by checking to see which way the spin is blowing. Here's the latest ...

"Jessica's doing great," her sister Ashlee assures Star magazine, which released the unfortunate cover story, "Jessica Finally Pregnant! Is This Her Gift to Nick To Save Their Marriage?", just before the dysfunctional duo announced their split to Us Weekly. "We all had a good Thanksgiving, all the family was together and we had a wonderful time."

The Simpson clan reportedly spent the holiday holed up in Texas, where we're guessing Jessica's father/manager/overlord Joe gave thanks that he finally had his little girl all to himself, without a pesky husband along as a third wheel.

"We didn't even talk about Jessica's breakup from Nick," continues Ashlee in the "exclusive interview." "It wasn't something we wanted to dwell on. Jessica's happy and she's absolutely fine. The only thing that stressed Jessica out was our grandparents' worry over all the attention she's getting. Jessica spent most of the holidays trying to reassure them that she's OK and that everything is good."

Simpson was back in L.A. on Sunday and life seemed to continue much as it had before the breakup announcement: She hit a tanning salon and showed off her diamond ring-free finger to paparazzi.

Lachey, 32, meanwhile, indulged in some testosterone-fueled activities on Turkey Day, with "Extra" reporting that the sometime ESPN commentator watched football with his pals in L.A.

This guy time comes on the heels of his recent "boys' weekend" in Miami Beach, where, according to People, he and recently separated buddy A.J. DiScala "unwittingly" wandered into a salacious soiree hosted by Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and hirsute porn veteran Ron Jeremy (they quickly exited). Lachey also chatted up a "pretty blonde guest" at another bash, says the mag.

"Nick seems relieved that it's all finally out in the open," a snitch tells the apparently now plugged-in Star. "I think he feels he can now start getting on with his own life at last. He's really sad that things didn't work out between them but it hasn't been working for a very long time and it's probably been torturous to keep things together for so long."

According to the insider, "As far as Nick is concerned he's going to keep things very clean and he's adamant that he's not going to get involved in any mud slinging and name calling. He just wants to be able to move on to living the rest of his life with as much dignity as he can."

Dignity may be in short supply given Lachey's upcoming plans. The Hollywood Reporter says he's just signed on to star in an in-development WB sitcom, playing a newly married baseball player. No word on whether his small-screen bride will be blonde, buxom and unable to tell the difference between seafood and poultry.

Meanwhile, there's already speculation as to how the nixed "Newlyweds" are going to divvy up their assets. If there's no prenup, as has been reported, they will have to split everything 50-50.

While this arrangement worked out fine for Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, whose holdings were about equal, Simpson, 25, with her cosmetics and clothing empires (and her ability to carry off an itty-bitty bikini on the big screen), is said to be worth millions more than her less-marketable (but far more thrifty) hubby.

"... A while back, Joe was complaining to everyone who would listen about all the alimony Jessica would have to pay Nick," an insider told Us.

And finally, it seems the telegenic twosome's decision to fess up that the tabloids had been right all along ("After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways ...") on the night before Thanksgiving didn't sit too well with some entertainment news show staffers, one of whom griped to the New York Post, "They got their holidays, but we didn't. They couldn't have waited one day? This was so calculated."

The word you're grasping for: Duh.

If you want to relive the good times, be sure to pick up the DVD reprising the fourth and final season of "Newlyweds," which hits stores on Dec. 6.